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Fuck this - Elena's Journal
elena
elena
Fuck this
I am TIRED of feeling like I am the guilty party. I have tried to be nice and considerate and friendly, and it has led to someone I deeply care about acting like a retard AND, whether it was on purpose or not, has probably permanently scarred and decreased the success rating on my current relationship, which I am extremely devoted to making work out to the best of my ability.

I told Droopy I was having second thoughts on whether or not I made the right decision relationship wise, because right now I feel like MY WHOLE LIFE is fraying at the edges and seams. I feel, intrinsically, the loss of our friendship and relationship.

But it was MY CHOICE. Sadly, since I am the one responsible for the breakup, I am feeling like I am getting moped at through livejournal continuously, which is why I haven't said anything substantial til now.

I am REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF at the fact that all of these personal things are being posted on this stupid website. That all of this aptly-named dirty laundry has been deemed appropriate to post, publicly, here, for all of our social circle to peruse and comment on. I MAKE A POINT OF KEEPING SHIT LIKE THIS PRIVATE. But since I'M the guilty party, I've let it slide and allow myself to be a target of ridicule.

Well this is how I see it.

My relationship with Droopy should have ended months ago. I stuck with him because I cared about him and his well being, and allowed him to accrue quite a bit of debt on my personal line of credit because I knew he was in a bad spot, mentally perhaps as well as financially. I had also stayed with him because he was safe, drama-free, and we were comfortable with each other.

But that was a part of why I was unhappy too: it was too comfortable, it was too routine. I need change and needed change for awhile -- it was my first real relationship, ever. I knew from the beginning that I didn't want to marry him or be with him forever -- I told him that, continuously. And I tried, and now regret, to make him be the one to break up with me by being mean and distant. I just had a really hard time doing it on my own.

He says that people are saying that I fucked up, that I lost out, etc. Well theres two sides to every story and perhaps some people are only hearing what they want. But anybody who has had the gall to talk to me directly on the issue has told me this has been a long time coming.

Sure, I didn't do it the right way, and I still feel bad about it. But I am tired of how the other party hasn't been doing it right post-relationship. I guess it was perhaps again my mistake to try and be nice and open about my emotions -- I feel lost a lot, and second guess myself -- but thats not an invitation to sit on my living room floor without having heard from me about what my plans were. If I don't pick up the phone, would one not assume that I am not expecting them? (It turns itself off since I dropped it in coke)

And I never said "never" (at least I hope not). I told him that I don't want to see him or talk to him until he can get over loving me. I'm sorry that that seems like it will take a long time.

All of this is really fucking with my mind and my life. I just want the drama to stop. TAKE YOUR LLAMA AND EAT IT.

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Comments
redrobben From: redrobben Date: November 19th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm going to side with you and say that Droopy is acting like an ass. It's one thing to be upset, it's quite another to post every little detail on a very public forum.

*hugs* Let me know if you need anything.
jojagirl15 From: jojagirl15 Date: November 19th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yeah...

After I read Droopy's entry about basically breaking into your apartment and stalking you... I defriended him. I think he has issues, and you're probably better off without him. Some people just get too attached, make someone their everything, and when it ends, they feel like they have nothing. I'm sorry for how he's treating you through all of this.

Ya know, I felt bad for Droopy for a little while, but now... he's just wallowing, and it's pathetic. I still like him, but come on. Grow up, man!

ps- do you watch House? Jessi and I cook dinner and watch every Tuesday if u want to come :)
mrboogyman From: mrboogyman Date: November 19th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Yeah...

I did not break into her house. I came to see her because of a conversation we had earlier that day. When she wasn't home I was going to leave but I wanted to pick up a few things. She told me the previous day that if I needed to stay there I could and I was too tired to drive back to Augusta.

Also I wanted to see my cats.
elena From: elena Date: November 19th, 2007 10:30 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Yeah...

I was thinking of saying to her comment that I had given you permission to stay over at the house if you need to, but I feel now that it isnt such a good idea if it leads to situations like this.

Frankly, your livejournal kind of displays your ulterior motives.
From: tyi2ant Date: November 19th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Sorry

I am really sorry I doubted you. I have realized that he is being a bit too over-dramatic.
From: testsofthemuse Date: November 19th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
You know I like you both.

Note there are issues on both sides. Handling a breakup is a delicate but -extremely- important thing. Staying with someone out of mercy is kind of leading them on.

Overreaction on his part? Probably. But any lack of communication can be a total hell, in his defense. If it's not laid out plainly, then all kinds of problems can crop up.

and yeah, eljay, myspace, and facebook are not the places for these things. wowsas. *chuckle*
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