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I can be such an emo sometimes. I went back and read a friend's… - Elena's Journal
elena
elena
I can be such an emo sometimes.

I went back and read a friend's really old livejournal entries and it made me want to cry.

Kind of a long train of hyperlink clicking lead to that. (Which is a lesson Id like people to learn: If there is a link to click on, it will be clicked on. NEVER assume that a person won't read it if its there to be read.) People's journals deleted and I don't know where those people are anymore (granted, we werent close, but its odd to me), some recent livejournal/facebook drama in the last week or so...

Ill admit it now: I know more about things than I actually do anything about. That may seem really general and well, everyone can say that, but its in specific categories Ive thought about it a lot in the last few days. I live through the internet in a lot of ways. Unhealthy ways, probably. Communication, interaction, education on topics unsundry, eclectic, and oftentimes useless.

I know way too much about friends' and acquaintances' lives. - If its public, and I've met you once or twice or your in a part of my extended social circle, I have read your livejournal. Probably in more detail than would make you comfortable. However, since I feel like I leave horrible first impressions most of the time, Its easier for me to learn about a person from an intimate distance. And, since I just asked myself why I do this, I think I do it in part out of curiosity as to how other people live their lives, and also, on first acquaintance, to not feel as awkward around that person.

I know way too much about activities and cultures that I never participate in. And I should, too, get off my ass and become a part of a social group. - I almost did feel like I was becoming a part of something, when I was really depressed earlier this year, and felt truly alone for the first time in a very long time; but acclimating to the situation has occured, with various friendships and an attaining of a comfortable social situation, different people 'filling' or 'meeting' my needs. Its kind of pathetic to think of stuff that way, and I know to some of you I've mentioned my fear of "using" people. But its not like I don't try to be there for my friends either... I think I just analyze the fuck out of my emotional/mental assumptions and explanations.

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Part of it comes from my studies in Anthropology, I think, but I've always thought this way. I just have been able to categorize it due to another social scientist's analyzation of the subject. Do I do things because I am a social creature and act as a part of something greater than myself? Are all of my motives in essence self interested, or do I actually have a truly altruistic side? I think we are all of these things at once, and sometimes, we are aspects of these. Sometimes humans will make the same decisions in the same situations for different mental rationalities.

My book from my Economic Anthro classes, at points, seems to want to argue that we rationalize things after the point of decision making. I either think this is completely and utterly wrong, or it has to occur immediately after the point of decision making. We may even forget what the rationalization we made at the time, and rationalize it in a different way later. Actually, that seems pretty accurate to me.

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I never want to get something out of people, or be given particular rights or abilities because of 'girlfriend status'. Thats not entirely true; I think its occurred before in my past, and its nice to get a sort of leeway or easy access to something due to a person you're involved with. BUT: in theory, it seems pretty fucking shitty because A) it doesn't seem to as easily transfer the other way around (at least in the same way, theres status perhaps in having a certain person as a girlfriend, but it doesn't necessarily give the boyfriend special rights); B) I want to be known for my achievements as my own person.

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I think I am going on a road trip next week. A leg of this journey will be on a motorcycle.

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