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I was talking to Leland the other night and I realized the reasons I… - Elena's Journal
I was talking to Leland the other night and I realized the reasons I don't write in here are unacceptable to me.

I'm sure I've mentioned before, some time ago (eight years? wow), that I decided to keep a Livejournal, because I wasn't able to keep a journal solely for myself. That means that in a way I am writing for an audience -- but I am writing about myself for an audience. It's a little weird, selfish and narcissistic. Expecting people to take an interest in the semi-intimate details of your life is a strange exercise, but it is interesting to some.

Then you can think about how sharing too much information can be bad for yourself, be too embarrassing to be comfortable, or come back and bite you on the ass in some way later, or maybe just invite opinions you really weren't looking for. So for this audience I write for, I censor out a lot of information I wish I could vent/share/talk about -- because I fear people talking about it beyond just here. It happens, for sure -- and I've done it to people, for sure -- but to a level I expect the things I write here to stay here.

Granted, there is something very important about the "friends only" and "custom settings" posts -- because that has not only to do with keeping thoughts private, but feeling a sense of trust enough to say what I'm feeling. I've learned that information, by its very nature and that of humanity, is apt to be spread.

However, I also think I need to be more honest and truthful with myself and with those around me about how I am feeling, what I am doing, and what I'm thinking. I kind of see a public journal as a great tool for understanding. It is a place where you can express your own feelings and thoughts without being interrupted, or (hopefully) misconstrued.

There were just a few very important entries in the last couple of years that shocked me in how they were used against me. I stopped writing so much (and so much publicly) after that. However, some of it was also that I've been depressed off and on, and feeling "worthless" in a way that I haven't written very much at all. A few times I think I started entries, but I have either privatized them or deleted them since.

Really, I think the most important thing about these journals is posterity. I wonder who will one day look back on these writings (my relatives? my children?) and learn things about me that they would otherwise never know -- and not necessarily always in a bad way. We are a society of people so close, yet so far from each other, I feel like sometimes.

So really, whats more important: the small-mindedness of a few or the ability to express what I'm feeling? And really, why should i give a damn about what people think but aren't willing to actually say?

I think the new job, and some new steps in a different direction will keep me from caring so goddamn much about the opinions of people in my local social circle. I hope so, anyway.

I really miss being able to write exactly what I thought and felt on this journal, but I honestly can't to some degree, because its no longer anonymous -- a cultural change of the internet over the span of Livejournal's existence. I miss only getting comments from people I had never met, because we could argue and discuss without ever worrying about In Person awkwardness or, in general, long term consequences of what was said.

That doesn't mean its bad that I have "Real Life Friends"... it is just a matter of fact that people I actually know are more important to my happiness. Sometimes, being bluntly honest all the time has unwanted consequences, and because of that there is an underlying fear I have about how my friends perceive me. But, the people that really matter will accept me no matter what stupid shit I end up saying or doing, I think or I hope. :B So I just have to teach myself to quit wanting so badly everyone's acceptance.


2 comments or Leave a comment
jordanlawman83 From: jordanlawman83 Date: November 27th, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
What did you write about? Kicking a field goal with a puppy? I didn't know LJ was such srs bzns
druidveil From: druidveil Date: November 27th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
"But, the people that really matter will accept me no matter what stupid shit I end up saying or doing,"

2 comments or Leave a comment